SheepFluffer.com

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A friend of mine tuned me into this crazy growing phenomenon of hardcore Christians getting into hardcore BDSM.  Nothing quite says “PRAISE JESUS!” quite like tying your wife up, flogging her senseless, and then sticking your pulsing manhood into her dry vagina, and dry humping for ten seconds.  These people however, justify, what they’re doing via biblical scriptures.  And I found out it isn’t just BDSM…it’s everything.   Take this gem for example.

Fisting and Gods Will…

Then He said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and observe My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side. Don’t be an unbeliever, but a believer.” (John 20:27)

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You know what I hate more than anything…. relationships. The other day I was at work minding my own business when my soon to be ex-husband sent me a loving text that said ” Why do you have dog food in your pocket?” What the fuck!! So I politely answered back ” Well I have no idea I don’t really carry dog food around with me.” He proceeded to accuse me of cheating on him. Really, I am cheating on him with another dog. Don’t get me wrong in my opinion all men are dogs but thats no reason for me to carry dog food.

So as the day progressed I was getting these wonderful messages from my loving ex telling me that he just didn’t understand why I would have this fucking dog food in my pocket. Like hell if I know how it got there. The best part is when I got home from my long day at work he has this neat little pile of dog food on the table waiting for me to answer some more of his jack ass questions.

Turns out after three days of fighting about dog food we have a mouse in our house, that is stashing dog food randomly around. I loved the day when he picked up a pair of his jeans and more dog food fell out of his pocket or the day that he went to put his shoes on and found a whole bunch of dog food. But instead of being a bitch like I normally would, because lets face it all women are, I just laughed and blew it off.

All I can say is that relationships are fucking annoying. We try so hard to find that perfect someone and when you don’t, like most people, you get to spend the rest of your life in a living hell wondering where the fuck did I go wrong…..

DAMN THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH! They spend all their time making Me look like some kind of judgmental monster. What a bunch of a-holes!

They go around protesting and holding up signs telling people about all the things I supposedly hate. Who are they to tell people what I hate? I can do that myself.

Westboro Baptist claims I hate fags, which is true, but not in the way they mean it. Sure, anal sex makes Me furious, but I don’t hate gay-fags, I hate stupid douche-fags like the Jonas Brothers! I love gay people and have many gay friends. Why is this so hard to understand?

They also say I hate America. Bullshit! I don’t hate America, I just hate democracy! But I love America! I love America so much it’s the only country I have citizenship in.

They even say that when planes crash, I, The Almighty God, laugh! What a horrible thing to say! Ok, well that one’s actually true. But have you ever seen a plane crash? Trust Me, It’s frickin hilarious!

Anyway, these Westboro Baptist assholes REALLY make Me look bad. I’ve had to pay over $3 million dollars to publicists in the last 10 years alone just to handle damage control on My Divine Image. And for what? People think I’m some kind of insane monster because all these fanatic retards do is embarrass Me!

The leader of this blasphemous church, Fred Phelps, called Elizabeth Taylor a “world-famous filthy Jew whore.” Balderdash! She is not filthy!

Then they went to Heath Ledger’s funeral and protested because he was in that movie about the gay cowboys. I didn’t like that movie either, but damn! That’s fucking effed up!

And they go to the funerals of soldiers all the time and protest! Now I’ve done some messed-up shit in My Day; I’ve flooded the world; I’ve slaughtered innocent 1st born children; I’ve sanctioned slavery, rape and murder. But disrespecting dead soldiers is where I draw the line!

I HATE YOU WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH! YOU’RE ALL GOING TO HELL WHERE YOU SHALL BE ASS-POUNDED BY GAY DEMONS FOR ALL ETERNITY!