SheepFluffer.com

Question: What sounds good for dinner??? Any suggestions? I cant decide and i need your help please!

Answer: fried chicken mashed potatoes and biscuits

I’ll add watermelon and kool-aid to that and make it a quad-fecta!

So losing your virginity is supposed to be a special night with the one you love but anymore for most its in the back of a buick listening to some crappy song and forgetting the whole thing in the morning. Or you could be me…

The night I lost my virginity was not special or with the one I love or for that matter it wasn’t in a buick.

I was in highschool and living with my parents. I thought they were going to a party and that meant they were going to be gone all night. So we go into my bedroom and try to decide what to do next and since neither had actually gone “all the way before” I figured we would start with foreplay. I wasn’t bad at giving a blow job but I don’t think he had any clue what he was doing! So we gave up on the foreplay after like 5 minutes and decided to go right to the sex. It was the most horrible thing ever! It took like 2 minutes and it wasn’t me! I forgave him and decided to give him a second chance. But before we could get to far I heard a noise. By the way my bedroom was in the basement and I figured it was just my brothers fucking around upstairs. Turns out it was my parents. So they come down stairs and called my name. I freak out and throw the guy off me onto the floor. Which of course they heard and found out we were in the bedroom.

So my dad walks in turns on the light and see’s me in the bed all covered up and the guy on the floor trying to find his clothes with his junk all hanging out. My dad grabs him and his clothes and proceeds to threaten him while walking him out of the house.

I’m of course in my bedroom freaking out wondering how much trouble I am going to be in and if they could pull off killing me. I hear my dad come back down and into my room he comes and asks me to come upstairs. So as I do the walk of shame up the stairs I see my mom smiling when dad isn’t looking. After I get the ass chewing of my life from my dad I go back to my room.

My mom comes down and knocks on my door. She comes in and the only thing she could say was “How was it?” I couldn’t believe it! I told her how awful it was and that I would have had more fun with a shower head. She laughed and told me that it only gets better from here and then tells me about her first time in the back if a buick with my real dad.  The only difference was she got pregnant with me.

As for the loser that was never any better in bed from then on out was terrified to even come to my house. I guess my dad threatened to actually kill him. That was the first but not the last!

So for all you virgins out there don’t get caught! It sucks!

You know what makes me laugh? Of course you  people in readerville don’t know but I am going to tell you. My friend bobosan has this thing for strange women and not just strange but maybe a little crazy.

In our spare time we like to fuck with these crazy and strange women. Usually what happens is he will get ahold of some chick online for a one night stand and then they don’t go away and because they have shitty self esteem they think that all of a sudden he wants to be with him forever. So what I love is being the back up girl.

To all of you guys out there you should have a friend like me. Which is female who doesn’t mind acting from time to time.

Take for instance, here not to long ago bobosan came to me with this chick who was mediocre at best and said “Get rid of her for me.” So I proceed to tell this girl that I was his wife and that she should probably lay off instead of on her back like a whore because  she was fucking a married man! Unfortunately that only got rid of her for about a day. Apparently she doesn’t care about fucking up someones life which really does make her a whore.

My favorite ones still to this day are chicks that have absolutely no boundaries what so ever. Come on people who in there right mind dresses up in a  cow costume and lets some stranger and all his friends fuck and piss on her! Really! But of course a soon as she knocks on the door you can guarantee all those messages go right out the window and she can’t even give good head like she said.

I’ll tell you what I have said some fucked up shit to these girls and they are just like “Okay daddy whatever makes you happy” but of course the next day I get to hear about how this girl freaked out and had a panic attack on the floor!

I think it is so strange that women try and act all cool like they would do anything in the world for some stranger and what they don’t realize is that I am on the other end making a total ass out of her! Which is probably wrong on my part and I will probably go to hell for all of this but “Carpe Diem kids” as bobosan would say if you can’t make fun of people what is left in life!

So a couple weekends ago my good friends, bobosan, uncle upright and I, decided that we were going to go out for a night on the town.

It started off well we went out of town so that we wouldn’t know anyone just in case. Bobosan and I were wanting to find midgets (sorry little people) because that is something on my bucket list… Who doesn’t want to fuck a midget!

So we start off with dinner because I was with the 235 pound anorexic who off course was starving. We decided to go to a hibachi grill which was good. We had sushi and a show. I decided on scallops and shrimp which later in the story might have been a bad idea. The only thing I hate about those places is that you end up sitting with a bunch of people that you don’t know… We sat with two lesbians ( I think) one of which was fat and ugly with nasty tattoos on her tits the other was obviously the man in the relationship and either a mother with two kids or a mom and boyfriend and a kid… We weren’t sure. The guy was probably in his 20′s and I think would have rather been with us than a woman who was in her 40′s and a kid who was like 11 with his gay Justin Beiber hair eating food off the table.

So after dinner we decided to go bowling which we all suck at but as we proceed to get drunk we think we are good. Turns out we were getting beat by a six year old. I loved the guy and girl next to us who I am assuming were on a date. She was in a little plaid skirt and a sweater which would have been cute except she was 300 pounds and the guy was wearing the dirtiest clothes he could possibly find and I an assuming hadn’t taken a shower in 3 months. So we gave that up and decided to play pool.  Which we suck at that to!  But we were just there to get wasted.

So after that we decide to go to the casino, which was a really bad idea, I had no cash on me so I go to the atm and pull out 100 out of my account. Bad idea! But at least I didn’t lose all of it like my buddy bobosan! Actually I was ahead for a little bit and walked out with as much as I brought in! Which was nothing damnit!

So after about thirty minutes which was what I took to lose my money we decided that the night had come to an end and it was time to go home. We still had a two hour drive home and I was wasted!  So we get out if the parking lot and a little ways down the highway and I decide that I have to vomit! So we stop on the side of the highway so that I can throw up alcohol, shrimp, scallops, and sushi! It was the nastiest thing ever!! So as I am throwing up on the highway a cop decides to pull up which freaked me out! Luckily I wasn’t driving and uncle upright was and even though he drinks he doesn’t seem to ever be drunk.

So this cop gets out and asks if everything is okay and my smart mouth decided to say yeah sushi, shrimp, and scallops are great to throw up!  And then I proceed to throw up on the cops shoes! I pretty much ignore the whole thing and get back in the car. Uncle upright had to explain my situation. Then if course gets asked if he had been drinking gets the finger test and luckily gets out of that. After that I passed out and don’t remember anything!

Unfortunately we didn’t find our midgets like we wanted and almost went to jail but it was a good night all in all!

So as most of you know from my previous post on “Why I Hate Relationships” you would know that I am divorced finally. Not that I can really complain because it went smoothly, which I know for some if you is not the case. I like to share my stories because I find them very entertaining on how fucked up my relationships are.

Take for instance our house. When we decided that divorce was the best answer to our problems another one occured. Normally soon to be exes fight over who gets the house. Well what happens when neither of you want it. Well the answer is simple you both move out. The only problem with that is I am broke and can’t afford to move out and pay for two houses. So I stayed in the house but got a roomate anyway.

So at first I had a roommate which was awesome because I had help with everything… But unfortunately now they have had to move out and now it is a fight between my ex and I because he is an ass and says that I don’t know how to clean… Of course I know how to clean I am a woman! Isn’t that what we were brought on this earth to do cook and clean… That’s why we have small feet right? Stand closer to the sink…

What woman in her right mind believes that! Its bullshit that we women have to deal with this.

Then comes the crap about how I have to many nice things still of the sudden. He thinks I stole a set of tires to pay for my brand new 42″ tv. Ha like those tires would be worth that. Its not my fault that he wastes all of his money on beer because he is an alcoholic douche bag.

I am just glad that I got rid of him before it was to late… And I am also glad that all of you in readerville will listen to my sorrows…

One of my favorite past times is finding the most fucked up, vile, and perverted women I can possibly find. Once I get bored of these, I usually give the phone to Spaz to have a little fun with. Here’s the fun with one I got bored with:

Me::Not much just sitting at work… What are you up to?
Kizzie:: Sittin in the eye docs with my gpa he has an apt then gotta go 2 hellmart
Me:: Huh well thats boring… What would you rather be doing?
Kizzie:: @ ur place waiting 4 u…maken sure everything is clean and ready 4 u when u cum hoMe:
Me:: Huh I would rather you have my dick in your mouth…
Kizzie:: Well that wld b happening 4 deff sure daddy
Me:: How about a collar and leash… I could lead you around the house and watch you clean
Kizzie:: Now that might b fun
Me:: How about a whip? Just in case you don’t do soMe:thing right…
Kizzie:: Oh fuck yes
Me:: What is your wildest fantasy?
Kizzie:: Idk nvr really thought of it…
Me:: So I have this cow fetish would you wear a cow costuMe:
Kizzie:: Hmmm?
Me:: CoMe: on baby… It’s what would make Me: happy
Kizzie:: I’d think bout it
Me:: Well you at least moo for Me:?
Kizzie:: Moo moo
Me:: How do you feel about golden showers?
Kizzie:: Love em
Me:: Where?
Kizzie:: My stomach my back my tits…possibly my face
Me:: Would you drink it?
Kizzie:: I would atleast try it…can’t say u dnt like sumthng if uve nvr tried it
Me::How about soMe: friends of mine….
Kizzie::Let them piss on Me:?
Me: Well yeah that or a gang bang?
Kizzie:: Yea I prob wld. But not without u being there…I wldnt want sumthng like tha…
Me: Well I would be there for the action… Are you in the bathroom thinking about Me:?
Kizzie: No in the waitn room…watchn this kid run all over the place while his mom i…
Me: I want you to check how wet you are…
Kizzie: I’m still on my period babe…
Me: You have two other holes available… I want to fuck your ass till you bleed
Kizzie: Omg damn babe.
Me: You wouldnt do that for your daddy
Kizzie: Yes I would….
Me: Can my wife watch??
Kizzie: What?
Me: Shes cool with it she loves participating
Kizzie: Sorry…if ur married. This is. Waste of tiMe:..not dealin with that shit
Me: Im just kidding I was just wondering if you would do girl on girl…
Kizzie: I have b4 with my best friend.
Me: That would work… Would she dress up as a sheep… I like barnyard theMe:s
Kizzie: Umm no she’s not into all the saMe: stuff as Me:…
Me:Do have anybody that would??
Kizzie: No I dnt daddy. I’m sry
Me: Would you dress like a penguin? The black and white get Me: off
Kizzie: ? Idk. Funny my kitchen is decorated in black n white cows
Me: Are you on the pill?
Kizzie: Yes
Me: Do you shave??
Kizzie: Bald
Me: Can I kick you in the cooch and video tape it
Kizzie: Fuck no.
Me: Do you like hot wax?
Kizzie: I wanna try it…
Me: Tell Me: the dirtiest thing on your mind…
Kizzie: I dnt hve anything…I’m really not happy with my grp right now….
Me: Talk dirty to daddy or else…
Kizzie: Or else what?
Me: Or else fuckoff I told you my fantasy
Kizzie: Look I dnt talk bout sex in front of my gpa that’s not how I was raised…
Me: So were you raised to be nasty…
Kizzie: No. I pickd that up besides my gpa doenst nd 2 knw bout my personal life till…
Me: So you would you tell him about you dressing up like a cow and Me: pissing on you
Kizzie: Fuck no
Me: Well thats boring
Kizzie: Well I’m sry…I’ve got more repsect 4 my gpa then that…he dnt even knw I’m on birth control

Moo, Moo…that’s all I have to fucking say.

I have the day off to remember some sacrifices someone made today. I slept in until noon, then decided I had to grab something to eat to starve off the hunger pains I was feeling. On a side note,let me tell you kiddies, trying anorexia as a 280lb fat ass only lasts 10 hours tops. Anyhow, I called everything with a vagina to see if they wanted to grab some lunch. Most were working, and the handful that weren’t don’t allow themselves to hang out with me unless their cunts are oozing their monthly allotment of period blood. In short, I was fucked, and had no friends to hang out with.

But a great idea popped into my head: Call the ex! My ex is a worthless pile of human being, constantly broke, and constantly hungry because her $200 in food stamps can only feed her for a week. So I figured I’d get some company, and maybe get Mr. Barrack Obama (AKA My cock) sucked. So I whipped out my phone, and called her up. No fucking answer! This is unacceptable! So I called back again, and she answered:

Me: Hey, whats up?
Her: (Grunts) I can’t talk right now….
Me: Uhh…are you being fucked? (Unzips pants)
Her: (Grunts)Uhh…(Moans)….I can’t talk right now….
Me: Who is it, you little fucking slut?
Her: Nobody….(Orgasms)….Talk to you later. (CLICK)

Greaat. So not only did I have to go alone to lunch, I also had to listen to My ex being fucked at noon. Sometimes I wish I was poor and had no motivation so I could spend my entire life sitting at home, eating off of food stamps, and having all the unprotected anal and vaginal sex I desire. Welfare must be grand!

Before I start this, allow me to make this clear: when I drink, I become one of the most belligerent, unnecessary drunks on the face of this Earth. I have some of the most fucked up drunk stories of anyone I have met in my lifetime.

No person should EVER do what I did in the following story, when it gets to the point involving Anabolic Halo…you’ll understand.

It started out as a normal enough night. Myself and a buddy, Kyle, were following our normal Friday night regime. Which mainly consisted of sitting at my place, pounding beers as we awaited the start of the party. This night, however, accompanying the beer was one of my worst enemies—Vodka. Any clear liquor in combination with myself, ultimately leads to me doing something completely absurd. After the beer was gone, we were both decently shitfaced. The obvious decision ahead of us was to immediately start in on the bottle of vodka, to ensure that we were both as drunk as possible upon our arrival to the party. We arrived at the party and immediately took turns chugging what remained of the vodka before making our entrance. My last clear memory for the next few hours would be walking into the party.

I come out of my blackout as I am yelling in the face of some stupid kid. Kyle is yelling at his friend about fucking his mother, or something of the like. I stop momentarily to gather my now rehabilitated senses to assess the situation. I have lost my jacket, it is now pouring down rain, there is no one else at the party but myself, Kyle, and the two losers we are now repeatedly ravaging with insults; we essentially were making them look like bitches. Then it escalated slightly:

Bitch-Boy 1″ You motherfuckers wanna go to the woods?”
Bitch-Boy 2″Yeah let’s take this outside.”
Me” You guys are fucking pussies, you won’t do SHIT!”
Kyle”OUTSIDE? WE ARE RIGHT FUCKING HERE!! FUUUCK!!”

At this point I should note that Kyle is about 6′3 200lbs, and on an average weekend is an entity of pure drunken vehemence. His voice does not drop below anything short of “ear-piercing.” Anytime we drink together a long, vile, argument always eventuates.

These guys decide it is in their best interest to not continue this altercation with us, apologize for whatever the fuck we were arguing about, and ask us for a ride, due to the fact that they walked to the party and it is now raining cats and dogs. We agree to this for some odd reason, and walk to Kyle’s car. After I ponder for a moment, I decide I am the Mario Andretti of drunk driving. If I am not blacked out drunk, I’m more than good enough to drive. Seeing as Kyle had recently gotten a DUI, he agreed with my logic and had no remonstrations to my request to drive.

We drove for about a total of 10 seconds before I slammed into the curb and the passenger-side front tire blew out. Note that mine and Kyle’s drunken rationale totally eliminated this possibility. We realized this was the cause when we went back for the car the next day and the rim had about a four inch section of it pushed inwards towards the center of the rim. In belligerent drunk mode, hitting a curb and blowing out a tire can result in this:

Me”What the fuck just happened!”
Kyle” MY TIRE! STOP THE FUCKING CAR!”
Me”NO! It’s good.”
Kyle”SOMEBODY PUT BOTTLES UNDER MY TIRES! FUUUUUCKKKKKKK!”

I stop the car and Kyle confirms the tire is, indeed, flat.

Me”Dude that had to be what happened. I couldn’t have fucking hit anything. I would have noticed.”
Kyle”FUCK YOU!”
Me” FUCK YOU! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!”
Kyle”I TRIED TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER BUT IT’S HARD TO KEEP ASHES WET!”(Yes, my mother is dead and was cremated. Seriously.)
Me”FUCK YOU! I’m calling my roomates.
Bitch-Boy 1″Dude, you guys are fucked up. We’re walking from here.”
Kye”FUCK YOU!”

They got out of the car and took off walking.

I call one of my roommates, Adam, tell him our location, and ask him to come pick us up. He arrived shortly, and took us back to my house where there are people partying. We get there, go inside, and I discover my other roommate, Ben, who will be referred to as ‘James’ for the rest of this recounting for reasons not to be named; a few people I do know, and a a few people I do not. People I don’t know when I’m drunk equals someone for me to guilt-freely harass, degrade, and barrage with insults, as well ridiculous demands. This is how I announced my arrival:

Me”GET NAKED BITCHES!”
Kyle”WHORES!”

This really offended this one whore, whom I will talk about later. She proceeds to start freaking out on Kyle, in true trailer trash whore fashion. She runs at him and starts pounding on his chest and screaming about how much she fucking hates him already. This bores me so I look for something to do to entertain myself.

I see some guy I don’t know sitting on the couch in our den. I approach him and initiate this conversation:

Me”Quit nursing that beer. Chug it right now, pussy.
Pansy”No way dude, I’m not doing it.”
Me”Motherfucker if you do not chug that beer right fucking now I am going to put my dick in your face until you do.”
Pansy”Chill out man. No.”

I yank down my pants and pose in Captain Morgan style with one leg on the arm of the couch, and lean forward so my penis was directly in his face. He chugs his beer. I am currently satisfied with this environment. I pull my pants up, and turn around, surveying my surrounding. I see another guy I don’t know eating a Nutty Bar, which with my unparalleled drunken logic abilities, I immediately deduced was my roommate James’. I yell:

Me”YOU SNEAKY SON OF A WHORE! YOU BETTER SARAN WRAP THAT MOTHERFUCKER AND PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX—NOW!”
Pansy2″Dude, what is your problem? Just calm down.”
Me”NO! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS! NOW!”
Pansy2″You’re not that hardcore man.”
Me”MOTHERFUCKER! I WILL SHOW YOU HARDCORE!”

I walk to the refrigerator, and snatch this big container of James’ post-workout supplement, Anabolic Halo, off of the top of it. If you are not familiar with what Anabolic Halo is, it is described by their website as having: “75 cutting edge ingredients, 6 critical elements, and 3 cryogenic technologies that will synergistically force your freakiest gains ever.” Again, nobody should EVER, do what I did next.

I walk past Pansy2 and dumped out a pretty decent pile of this horrible creation onto the table in our living room, where 5 people were playing some drinking game. Kyle grabs a handful out of powder out of the container, and prepares to throw it at some bitch playing the drinking game. I do not no what compelled me to do this, but I immediately snort all of what is in Kyle’s hand, then start snorting the pile I had just dumped out on the table. I then proceeded to begin sequentially chugging the beers of the people sitting at the table. I was halfway through beer number 4 when I realized my head was about to explode. I reeled for a second before I began projectile vomiting all on the center of the table, cards and everything.

From what I’m told, the expression on my face remained calm. Kind of irrelevant I know, but I thought it was funny.

I regain my composure momentarily. Long enough at least to yell: “THAT’S HARDCORE! FUCK YOU!”

I then literally ran to the bathroom and proceeded to hug the toilet and completely empty everything in my stomach, while dry heaving in between trying to expel the rest of the Anabolic Halo from my membrane with repetitive nose blowing, the whore who had previously attacked Kyle earlier in the night walks into my bathroom.

I turn around and she just stands there and watches me piss. I finish she locks the door, snatches her pants down, and immediately begins pissing after telling me not to leave. I take a knee and extend the toilet paper to her, as the true gentleman that I obviously am. She finishes, stands up, pushes me against the wall, and begins violently making out with me.

It may or may not have been the single most erotic experience of my life. More than likely, not.

Dear Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,

There are a couple of things I didn’t understand about your film. First off, with the amount of radiation, chemicals, and all that crap involved in making the food, there’s no doubt that everyone would eventually get cancer, high cholesterol, or some other diseases, am I right? There would be total destruction across the island due to the large, ample sizes of the food crashing down on a daily basis. Of course, within days, people would start showing great increases in their weight. I mean, the mayor gets fat and all, but no one else does… and man eating, COOKED, chickens? No such thing. Finally, I can’t stress enough that the only benefit to this food machine would be solving the hunger issue in third world countries. Please bring this device to Ethiopia. I have to puke…

Thank you.

Dude,

So we haven’t blogged here in like a month since we’ve been too coked out on low-grade baking soda to formulate complete sentences. Baking soda, DOES NOT FEEL GOOD WHEN INHALED. Anyhow, I disgress. While checking the site logs, I noticed an interesting thing, we have our first true link! And lo and behold, it’s atheiests, MY PEOPLE!

Stop by and check it out kids:
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