SheepFluffer.com

Yes, it was THIS shitty.

So losing your virginity is supposed to be a special night with the one you love but anymore for most its in the back of a buick listening to some crappy song and forgetting the whole thing in the morning. Or you could be me…

The night I lost my virginity was not special or with the one I love or for that matter it wasn’t in a buick.

I was in highschool and living with my parents. I thought they were going to a party and that meant they were going to be gone all night. So we go into my bedroom and try to decide what to do next and since neither had actually gone “all the way before” I figured we would start with foreplay. I wasn’t bad at giving a blow job but I don’t think he had any clue what he was doing! So we gave up on the foreplay after like 5 minutes and decided to go right to the sex. It was the most horrible thing ever! It took like 2 minutes and it wasn’t me! I forgave him and decided to give him a second chance. But before we could get to far I heard a noise. By the way my bedroom was in the basement and I figured it was just my brothers fucking around upstairs. Turns out it was my parents. So they come down stairs and called my name. I freak out and throw the guy off me onto the floor. Which of course they heard and found out we were in the bedroom.

So my dad walks in turns on the light and see’s me in the bed all covered up and the guy on the floor trying to find his clothes with his junk all hanging out. My dad grabs him and his clothes and proceeds to threaten him while walking him out of the house.

I’m of course in my bedroom freaking out wondering how much trouble I am going to be in and if they could pull off killing me. I hear my dad come back down and into my room he comes and asks me to come upstairs. So as I do the walk of shame up the stairs I see my mom smiling when dad isn’t looking. After I get the ass chewing of my life from my dad I go back to my room.

My mom comes down and knocks on my door. She comes in and the only thing she could say was “How was it?” I couldn’t believe it! I told her how awful it was and that I would have had more fun with a shower head. She laughed and told me that it only gets better from here and then tells me about her first time in the back if a buick with my real dad.  The only difference was she got pregnant with me.

As for the loser that was never any better in bed from then on out was terrified to even come to my house. I guess my dad threatened to actually kill him. That was the first but not the last!

So for all you virgins out there don’t get caught! It sucks!

The tightness of our friendship as a visual metaphor.

You know what makes me laugh? Of course you  people in readerville don’t know but I am going to tell you. My friend bobosan has this thing for strange women and not just strange but maybe a little crazy.

In our spare time we like to fuck with these crazy and strange women. Usually what happens is he will get ahold of some chick online for a one night stand and then they don’t go away and because they have shitty self esteem they think that all of a sudden he wants to be with him forever. So what I love is being the back up girl.

To all of you guys out there you should have a friend like me. Which is female who doesn’t mind acting from time to time.

Take for instance, here not to long ago bobosan came to me with this chick who was mediocre at best and said “Get rid of her for me.” So I proceed to tell this girl that I was his wife and that she should probably lay off instead of on her back like a whore because  she was fucking a married man! Unfortunately that only got rid of her for about a day. Apparently she doesn’t care about fucking up someones life which really does make her a whore.

My favorite ones still to this day are chicks that have absolutely no boundaries what so ever. Come on people who in there right mind dresses up in a  cow costume and lets some stranger and all his friends fuck and piss on her! Really! But of course a soon as she knocks on the door you can guarantee all those messages go right out the window and she can’t even give good head like she said.

I’ll tell you what I have said some fucked up shit to these girls and they are just like “Okay daddy whatever makes you happy” but of course the next day I get to hear about how this girl freaked out and had a panic attack on the floor!

I think it is so strange that women try and act all cool like they would do anything in the world for some stranger and what they don’t realize is that I am on the other end making a total ass out of her! Which is probably wrong on my part and I will probably go to hell for all of this but “Carpe Diem kids” as bobosan would say if you can’t make fun of people what is left in life!

So a couple weekends ago my good friends, bobosan, uncle upright and I, decided that we were going to go out for a night on the town.

It started off well we went out of town so that we wouldn’t know anyone just in case. Bobosan and I were wanting to find midgets (sorry little people) because that is something on my bucket list… Who doesn’t want to fuck a midget!

So we start off with dinner because I was with the 235 pound anorexic who off course was starving. We decided to go to a hibachi grill which was good. We had sushi and a show. I decided on scallops and shrimp which later in the story might have been a bad idea. The only thing I hate about those places is that you end up sitting with a bunch of people that you don’t know… We sat with two lesbians ( I think) one of which was fat and ugly with nasty tattoos on her tits the other was obviously the man in the relationship and either a mother with two kids or a mom and boyfriend and a kid… We weren’t sure. The guy was probably in his 20′s and I think would have rather been with us than a woman who was in her 40′s and a kid who was like 11 with his gay Justin Beiber hair eating food off the table.

So after dinner we decided to go bowling which we all suck at but as we proceed to get drunk we think we are good. Turns out we were getting beat by a six year old. I loved the guy and girl next to us who I am assuming were on a date. She was in a little plaid skirt and a sweater which would have been cute except she was 300 pounds and the guy was wearing the dirtiest clothes he could possibly find and I an assuming hadn’t taken a shower in 3 months. So we gave that up and decided to play pool.  Which we suck at that to!  But we were just there to get wasted.

So after that we decide to go to the casino, which was a really bad idea, I had no cash on me so I go to the atm and pull out 100 out of my account. Bad idea! But at least I didn’t lose all of it like my buddy bobosan! Actually I was ahead for a little bit and walked out with as much as I brought in! Which was nothing damnit!

So after about thirty minutes which was what I took to lose my money we decided that the night had come to an end and it was time to go home. We still had a two hour drive home and I was wasted!  So we get out if the parking lot and a little ways down the highway and I decide that I have to vomit! So we stop on the side of the highway so that I can throw up alcohol, shrimp, scallops, and sushi! It was the nastiest thing ever!! So as I am throwing up on the highway a cop decides to pull up which freaked me out! Luckily I wasn’t driving and uncle upright was and even though he drinks he doesn’t seem to ever be drunk.

So this cop gets out and asks if everything is okay and my smart mouth decided to say yeah sushi, shrimp, and scallops are great to throw up!  And then I proceed to throw up on the cops shoes! I pretty much ignore the whole thing and get back in the car. Uncle upright had to explain my situation. Then if course gets asked if he had been drinking gets the finger test and luckily gets out of that. After that I passed out and don’t remember anything!

Unfortunately we didn’t find our midgets like we wanted and almost went to jail but it was a good night all in all!

No...It really means, no.

So as most of you know from my previous post on “Why I Hate Relationships” you would know that I am divorced finally. Not that I can really complain because it went smoothly, which I know for some if you is not the case. I like to share my stories because I find them very entertaining on how fucked up my relationships are.

Take for instance our house. When we decided that divorce was the best answer to our problems another one occured. Normally soon to be exes fight over who gets the house. Well what happens when neither of you want it. Well the answer is simple you both move out. The only problem with that is I am broke and can’t afford to move out and pay for two houses. So I stayed in the house but got a roomate anyway.

So at first I had a roommate which was awesome because I had help with everything… But unfortunately now they have had to move out and now it is a fight between my ex and I because he is an ass and says that I don’t know how to clean… Of course I know how to clean I am a woman! Isn’t that what we were brought on this earth to do cook and clean… That’s why we have small feet right? Stand closer to the sink…

What woman in her right mind believes that! Its bullshit that we women have to deal with this.

Then comes the crap about how I have to many nice things still of the sudden. He thinks I stole a set of tires to pay for my brand new 42″ tv. Ha like those tires would be worth that. Its not my fault that he wastes all of his money on beer because he is an alcoholic douche bag.

I am just glad that I got rid of him before it was to late… And I am also glad that all of you in readerville will listen to my sorrows…

I know that most women will not admit to how much they like sex but I am here to tell you that most women at least me, which is all that matters, really do like sex. I can tell you honestly that I think about sex just as much as men do. I have also noticed that sex is the best workout on the face of the planet. I have probably dropped 20 pounds here recently just by having amazing sex. I think that all these fad diets that women waste all their money on are completely useless. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried them and failed every time after wasting tons of money.  They should really advertise kamasutra and tell women how many calories you will burn with each different position.  That way you and your significant other, husband, or otherwise will all be happy and you will look great!

If you really want a good workout have your partner try and tie you up! Notice I said try, I know that it might sound a little weird at first if you have never done it, but if you are a fighter like me it is the best workout you will ever have. Just make sure that you trust the person you are doing it with. I learned the hard way not to let some random one night stand tie you up and leave you stranded in your room so that your roomate has to come and save you in the morning. I might not have thought that one through very well.  But it does make for one hell of a story.

So for all you women out there in reader-ville, just admit that you like sex. The way I see it if you can’t admit to liking it then you are doing it totally wrong and maybe you should rethink the guy that you are with. I promise that there are more fish in the sea, and that guy that you thought was the best thing since sliced bread at first, is now getting pretty boring. You should get out and try new things or new people which ever makes your life better. And guys just to let you know when a girl says she has a headache remind her that the best way to get rid of that headache is an orgasm.  I know that used to be a good excuse but I have found that sex is better for a headache then any medicine on the market today.  That’s unless of course you are boring and can’t get her to that point in which case you should just go beat off in a corner somewhere because there is no women in the world that will want you.

So the other day my friend and I decided that we were finally going to go do something for ourselves for a change. We decided to go and get manicures and pedicures that’s the girlie thing to do right? So we get to the place and my favorite part is that not a single person knows how to speak English and if they do they don’t know it well enough. So as we sit with our feet in the bath our guys come up to start on our toes. My guy was actually pretty cool at first, he commented on all my tattoos and for once was nice, although after awhile he wouldn’t stop staring at me and it kind of gave me the creeps. My good friend on the other had got the douche bag that can’t say anything but “Pay me now?” I felt really bad because if you don’t know, whenever you go and get your nails painted when they are done they are supposed to grab all your shit and take you to their nifty little UV light so that your nails dry and you don’t fuck up something that you just paid $50 dollars for. But instead of her guy doing that he just left her at his station to wait. What an ass, I understand that you don’t know the language very well, but since when did you forget how to be polite jackass.

Anyway after that we decided to walk around. Since we both have lives, neither one of us had been to the mall in who knows how long. In our wonderful mall we have a store that I like to visit from time to time. It is more for the emo/ goth type but I have piercings and they have jewelry. When we walk in I get a coupon that was good for that day only because they have a new band that is from our town performing live. The thing that I thought was hilarious is that he was a black rapper. Really, I mean why would a black rapper think it would be a wise idea to promote sex, drugs, and huge asses to a bunch of people who think about cutting themselves 6 times before breakfast. I just don’t see the correlation between the two but whatever floats your boat and makes you think that one day you will be famous.

After that nice experience we decided that we had seen enough of the mall and thought maybe it was time to leave. As we are walking out we notice that they are getting all set up for Easter. In the middle of the mall is where they always have the picture studio setting so that you can take your wonderful bright eyed children to have a picture taken with someone that they believe so highly of without it costing a fortune. Have you ever wondered who is behind that crazy Santa or rabbit suit? Well I did only because we walk by and see this guy dressed in his finest bunny suit sitting on his bench chillin’ looking as though he is either drunk and or stoned out of his mind, or is waiting on a blow job I’m not really sure which. I look to my friend because I have no children of my own and ask her if she was walking through the mall with her children and seen that bunny would she let her kids sit on his lap? Hell no she wouldn’t and neither would any other human being that was thinking the same thing I was. I don’t know how much that guy got paid to sit there and look like a pedophile in a rabbit suit but he pulled it off smashingly. 

All I can say is, what the fuck is up with people these days and if you ever want a good laugh go sit at your local shopping center and people watch…

You know what I hate more than anything…. relationships. The other day I was at work minding my own business when my soon to be ex-husband sent me a loving text that said ” Why do you have dog food in your pocket?” What the fuck!! So I politely answered back ” Well I have no idea I don’t really carry dog food around with me.” He proceeded to accuse me of cheating on him. Really, I am cheating on him with another dog. Don’t get me wrong in my opinion all men are dogs but thats no reason for me to carry dog food.

So as the day progressed I was getting these wonderful messages from my loving ex telling me that he just didn’t understand why I would have this fucking dog food in my pocket. Like hell if I know how it got there. The best part is when I got home from my long day at work he has this neat little pile of dog food on the table waiting for me to answer some more of his jack ass questions.

Turns out after three days of fighting about dog food we have a mouse in our house, that is stashing dog food randomly around. I loved the day when he picked up a pair of his jeans and more dog food fell out of his pocket or the day that he went to put his shoes on and found a whole bunch of dog food. But instead of being a bitch like I normally would, because lets face it all women are, I just laughed and blew it off.

All I can say is that relationships are fucking annoying. We try so hard to find that perfect someone and when you don’t, like most people, you get to spend the rest of your life in a living hell wondering where the fuck did I go wrong…..