For all the guys out there reading this who tried to go for the Grizzly Adams look…. If you attempt to grow your facial hair out but decide it looks like ass, pay heed to this warning. DO NOT just try to shave with one of those Fusion Power vibrating razors…. YOU MUST TRIM HAIR FIRST!!! If your facial hair is near the quarter inch range, and you don’t take this priceless advice you will fuck your face up and it fucking sucks!!! Trust me. Fucking sucks. Bad.
Everyone say hi to Jamie Black. He’s the black guy taking a bubble bath above. Jamie is a new internet celebrity, bathtub enthusiast & guru.
Jamie specializes in giving life advice from his bathtub. That’s not as gay as it may seem, as he says…. He’s got a cigar. Not gay. I’ve had many deep thoughts come from my time in the tub & I’m sure you have as well.
For example; I was sitting in the tub one afternoon & had the amazing idea that I should create and market Laser Guided Scissors. With the laser to guide you, every cut you make would be flawless. Theoretically…
So they may not have been the greatest idea, but I sold a million pairs to all you dumbasses online!!!
$19.95 x 1,000,000 = Alot of fucking money. I’m rich. They may be total garbage, but I got your money sucker.
Back to Jamie…I’m not here to pass judgment about the state of mind one would need to be in in order to consider this sort of thing as a good idea… This is the internet, man. Lettin’ it hang out is what this place is all about. Am I right? Of course I am. I always am. Above is just one of Jamies videos, but I would suggest you YouTube him and browse through them all. As you watch them I ask you to consider the quality of his poses. His wisdom is obvious, but his delivery is what’s truly transcendent. He lounges in what I would guess is disgusting, luke warm, black people filth water….. dedication my friends….. dedication. In all seriousness, this is the man I look to for advice in my life and strongly encourage all of you out there in Readerville to do the same. Jamie has helped me through many a tough time and I know he will be there for me in the future.
I just want to say thank you Jamie Black. Without you in my life, I would most certainly be dead.
You may be wondering why I haven’t posted anything the last two days…. Well, yesterday I was just too fucking lazy to even turn on my computer & today is St. Patty’s Day & I’m Irish…. which means I’m actually posting this from the bar and I’m officially not motivated nor capable of anything more than this brief explanation. On that note…. Happy St. Patty’s Day! I expect everyone to be urinating some sort of green fluid tomorrow. Fluffing will continue it’s regularly scheduled something or rather sometime in the near future. Ok, bye bye now.
You’ll notice that black women who wear their hair naturally don’t seem to worry all that much about what water (the most abundant…thing…on the planet) will do to their hair, and this is what makes these girls fucking awesome. Many women who straighten their hair, however, are an intolerable burlap sack of boring because they can’t do shit since it might fuck their hair up. The following is an abbreviated list of fun shit that black women with straightened hair can’t/won’t do because of water:
• Run around in a rain storm
• Go snorkeling, swimming, or scuba diving
• Participate in a wet t-shirt contest
• Go outside on a humid day
• Save your life if you fall off a boat
• Exercise (is there a correlation between this and straight-haired women buying empire waist tops? Decidedly yes.)
• Join the Navy
Our women will go to extraordinary lengths to keep their newly straightened doo in place. They will actually sleep for eight entire hours with their heads propped up on their hands to keep the hair from getting matted on the pillow. Working out at the gym, they will take 5 minute rest periods between sets to keep from sweating. They will bathe instead of showering. They will stay inside the house for days at a time during streaks of humid weather. They become more and more isolated from society, eventually developing cabin fever and mild to severe psychosis. This causes them to club innocent and defenseless baby seals for no goddamn reason.
A woman that’s just come home from the salon is in a very delicate mood. She’s ecstatic that her hair is done and she looks beautiful, but at the same time she’s on the razor’s edge of entering a homicidal rage. If you don’t notice the fact that her straightened hair is now parted on the left side rather than the right, or that she just paid $70 to have it shortened by one damn inch, you are a fucking asshole to her. You play spades with Hitler. You are an inconsiderate keg of certifiable fuck juice and deserve to be drop kicked down a flight of metal stairs.
Men are particularly prone to accidentally setting off the straight-haired woman because, unless you don’t have any hair, we’re perfectly happy no matter what the hair looks like – so we don’t really pay attention. We don’t give a shit if you wear it up or down, or feather your bangs (whatever the hell that means), or put it in a French twist (whatever the hell that means). All we care about is that a.) The hair is there, b.) It’s not a wig, and c.) It’s free of dirt, insects, food, and stank. Save your $150 and buy some frickin’ crotchless thong panties for us to rip off instead. Dammit.
132 innocent and defenseless baby seals we bludgeoned at the hands of crazed salon escapees while you read this article.
I was recently told that I swear too fucking much… and I probably do. There is a good reason for it though. Stupid. Fucking. People. I’ve grown tired of the stupidity of my co-workers, many of my family & friends & just about every other cock sucking ass puppet I’ve recently encountered. How can people be so fucking stupid?
Example:
Where is the North Star located??? I would venture to guess that your below average, everyday border line down syndrome fucking third grader could answer that. But do you think a 50+ year old college educated black man could? If you said yes, you’re not catching on and should probably go put a bullet in your fucking mouth so you never have the misfortune of running in to me in a dark alley… According to “Educated Black Man” depending on the day of the month, the NORTH Star could appear in the Due East OR Due West sky. Really? Too bad that isn’t true… maybe then the Three “Wise Men” wouldn’t have found tiny baby Jesus in the fucking manger to give him his incense, gold & myrrh ( whatever the fuck that is ). Maybe without that gold he wouldn’t have amounted to shit and I wouldn’t have random degenerate fuck sticks knocking on my front fucking door asking me if I’ve found Jesus. If I wanted to find Jesus, I would have followed the North Star to the closest Home Depot and picked him up out front and had him mow my goddamn yard.
That’s just one example of stupid fucking people. I have innumerable more, but we will save those for another story. If you haven’t noticed, fuck seems to be my word of choice. That’s fucking great. However, it seems that fuck draws more complaints that any other four letter word. To all those who are offended by the word fuck… fuck you.
I’ve added a video to let everyone see how great the word fuck truly is, and the plethora of ways you can integrate it into your everyday life. I hope you fucking enjoy…
