Via Andrewbain
Some of you may know I suffer from insane bouts of depression. I mean pretty much it’s a constant battle between slicing my wrists and crying, or just making it through the day. Normal people who are depressed just go talk to a shrink or get some sort of legal happy pills. I however, am not normal in the slightest. Where someone may turn to Jesus to ease their suffering as their mind convinces them to pull a trigger, I turn to masturbation.
Masturbation is my savior. Fuck Jesus, he never made me cum. Jesus never made me do anything really. And you know what, Masturbation, unlike Jesus, doesn’t fuck little boys either. And not fucking little boys is generally a good thing.
It’s funny how the simple act of beating one’s meat can mean the difference between a bullet and a pillow. I really think I’m chronically addicted to sex in general. I mean I have to basically jerk off 6 times a day. Once in the morning before work, once at lunch, once when I get home from work, and about 3 more times during the night. That’s a lot of cum! I go through tissues like a fucking…well…something. Honestly, who the fuck goes thru a lot of Kleenex?
Anyhow, I digress; my favorite type of porn is that borderline homemade/amateur stuff. You know, Suzy the Slut getting gangbanged by 15 black men 5 minutes after she turned 18 years old…that kind of stuff. Oh, and webcam captures of barely legal teens getting caught by mommy sucking cock on cam, those are always fun.
When we were younger, we used to collect Pokémon, or Magic Cards, or those fucking POG things. Now all I do is collect random bits of hardcore pornography. I like to share it too. I like to burn CD’s to give to random co-workers that have the sickest Bondage porn on them. Imagine “2 Girls 1 Cup” but instead it’s “1 girl 18 Lacerations”. Human Resource’s isn’t so fond of it though. But fuck her; I have a tape of her sucking off the Summer Help (who is under age). Fire me, bitch.
You know, I just came right before I wrote this article. Does that creep you out? Knowing that 5 minutes ago I was beating my small semi-erect cock to some chick shot gunning 30 guy’s cum? But you know what, it really doesn’t fucking matter what you think. In a roundabout way, 30 cuming in a two liter bottle just save me from getting drunk and taking a .50 cal to the head. Pornography, thusly, saves lives.
I’d love to write more about my love of porn (and its love of me), but it’s coming up on 5pm again. 5pm means another jack off session, this time with BODY TEMPERATURE warm lube. See, kids, I like to mix it up. I’m kinky like that.
